A visit with solace and sadness

On mothers day, after I picked up grandma and took her lunch, i dropped her off at home and decided to make the journey to my mothers grave site, my first since her burial in December, I knew it wouldn’t be easy, I brought a pretty bouquet of flowers that reminded me of her, I pulled into the parking lot, and didn’t see anyone for miles, “perfect” I thought, i wanted to be alone, for the first time I HAD to be alone, I had so much I needed to still process.

The sun was shining and lit up the entire grave yard as though it was lit from the ground up, the quiet was defining, except for the occasional sound of the warm wind that blew through the massive tree, and the birds that chirped and fluttered about.

There, third row from the front, third marker from the fence, was moms freshly grassed grave,the stone hadn’t even been fully set in the ground yet, the weather around here has been too soggy.

Upon looking at the stone my eyes quickly welled up with tears, and i was caught slightly off guard by my sudden harsh sadness.

The sun warmed my back as I crouched down and talked to her, tracing her stone with my fingers,

 I noticed that a bird has pooped on the angel wing on my moms side of the stone (it’s a double marker for mom and dad) I jokingly said ” jeese mom, even in death you get shit on !” it was a joke and she would have laughed at it, I took out a wet wipe and wiped it away.

 What made me feel better, was the fact that the grounds were so perfectly take care of, people had left nick knacks and statues on the other graves, and they all remained in place, as when they were first put there by the family member. I told mom as soon as I could I would get a vase to stick in the ground, so that the flowers that i brought her, would stay fresher longer. I stayed and meditated for about half an hour, parking myself on the grass in front of her grave. The I got up and took a walk around the grounds to check out the other graves, ” well mom” i said “I’m going to go walk around for a bit, you know me and grave yards! “( I have been fascinated with graveyards and death from an early age)

With that, I said my goodbyes and off I went. Once I got back to my car I sat and basked in the silence and warm glow of the sun. Then with a deep breath, I turned on the ignition, and made my way back home, no sooner did I leave the grave yard, and it began to pour. I miss you too mom.

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