I’m not who I used to be

 See that red haired girl in the photo above? The one with the big smile and Betty Page tshirt? That was yours truly about 13 years ago……and now I am completely different.

This photo was taken at the Jersey Shore while I was visiting some friends. I had always wanted to see the Jersey Shore and I really was excited to be there, hanging out with new people and  just enjoying life. At that time, I also kept an online journal called ” ame eclaire.

A couple of weeks ago , I decided to see if my old journal was still active, I went to live journal and sure enough it was. About 15 minutes into reading it, I almost wished I hadn’t . Hindsight is truly 20/20 until you look back on something like this and realize how different you were. As much as my memory wants to convince me everything was splendid and puppies and rainbows, the truth was, I was completely miserable.

In my journal I wrote about my relationships that weren’t working (about a gazillion of them). Tension between my parents and I . Joblessness , you name it

Now anyone who reads this blog knows, I am not the most prolific person on earth. My writing far proceeds many of my blogger friends. But the stuff I wrote back then? Good lord, and if you think I share a lot NOW….. Well trust me it’s nothing compared to things I divulged back then. 

As I began reading, I literally wanted to smack my former self, I was just a mess lol.

 But if you really study that girl, really hard….you’ll see that she was doing the best she could with what she had to work with. And yes don’t get me wrong, I had good times too. But seeing all that , brought up old feelings, I could feel my heartbreak and despair. I wanted to go back and tell that girl that it was going to be ok, that things weren’t going to be like this forever, that she would soon meet a good guy named Bill, and her whole life would evolve.

It’s amazing how when your in it you can’t really see the forest for the trees, but how eventually it all works out, and if I hadn’t gone through those rough times, I wouldn’t be where I am now.



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